i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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