You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
