Having a random hookup so left but love u
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
