Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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