she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
BRING THE BAGELS
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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