I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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