census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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