Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
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