put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
