Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..