Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
