I think im going to throw up on grandma
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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