I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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