Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
