We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
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OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
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I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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