I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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