why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
