oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
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im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
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I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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