Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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