this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
