I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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