Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
