Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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