i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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