If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Panties = found
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