So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
