K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
