I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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