They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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