We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
