This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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