can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
