Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
