he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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