I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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