Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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