all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
