I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
