I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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