Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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