I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
