Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
