im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
