i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
