i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
how drunk are you?
Several
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