Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
