yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
