WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
