No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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