Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm bleeding and have questions
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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