That's when you crack a 10am beer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
