no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this just has baby written all over it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize