he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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