I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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