cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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