If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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