There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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